Last Night in Paris

Well, this is the end. I leave Paris today (Tuesday), so I feel like I should say a few words. Since I last wrote, I've spent my time sort of studying for exams, which finished for me on Tuesday, taking care of administrative matters such as my bank account and cell phone plan, and trying to take advantage of the time I have left with my American and French friends. We had evening picnics on the Seine, went to the French Open, and did some last minute shopping and crepe eating. A very satisfying last few weeks. This weekend has been a little strange, as (almost) all my American friends flew back home on Friday. It's strange because I've only known Paris with them, and they are a large part of the reason my experience in Paris was so great. So I've been a bit lonely, but it's been nice to go on long walks, as the weather is finally nice here, and reflect  on the past nine months. I'll talk a bit about the conclusions I've come too, but I'm not going to try and be profound, poetic, or wise beyond my years. I also don't want to sugar coat anything, as some people do. So here goes. 

I have had a great time in Paris, but it's time to go home. I've felt this way for a while. This is not to say I regret coming here, or that it was a bad experience. Not at all. I have met some fascinating people, and have made so many lifelong memories. The thing is, studying abroad is hard. Especially in Paris, where almost every single aspect of daily life either reinforces a negative stereotype, or contradicts some expectation that Hollywood dreamed up in the 1950s. Sure, there are exceptions to every rule, but it's still a rule. Spending a year in Paris was not all fairies and sugarplums. Sometimes it was really challenging, even depressing. Sometimes I hated Paris and everyone in it it and just wanted to leave. But what was perhaps hardest of all was reconciling myself with the fact that I didn't fall in love with Paris. In fact, in some ways living here has made me more patriotic and defensive of America. I never want to live in Paris, and I don't know when or if I will come back. For a long time I thought that because I felt this way, I was doing something wrong, or that I was being ungrateful for the opportunities presented to me. I'm slowly starting to realize though, that it is perfectly acceptable to not have fallen in love with Paris. I appreciate all the opportunities and memories it has offered me, but like every other city in the world, Paris isn't for everyone. Though it can be charming, inspiring, and vibrant, it also has many negative qualities. And it really is okay that I think that. Study abroad isn't about falling in love with the city you choose/are placed in, though that can happen, and it's a wonderful thing. In my opinion, study abroad is about testing your comfort zone, self-reflection, finding new perspective, and opening your heart and mind to new people and ways of life. I feel that I have at least sincerely tried all of those things, so I am satisfied with my experience. I know that I at least had a lot of tough moments here, which were probably the emotional equivalent of growing pains. I'll give another update once I've been back home for a bit, though. On the subject of going home, I just want to mention something. Feeling the way I do about my experience (which seems a bit negative, but it's really hard to explain so give me the benefit of the doubt), I'm kind of dreading people asking me "Oh, what did you think of Paris", and "Isn't it an amazing city? I bet you had a blast." Because the answer I need to give is too long and too complicated. Especially for those that haven't studied abroad. Plus, it doesn't seem socially acceptable to say "No, actually, I didn't love the city, and I'm glad I'm home now."  Please try to understand if you hear me say that. I really just want to be honest about my experience, because it merits so much more than a couple pleasantries strung together to appease an acquaintance. I don't owe it to anyone to convince them (or myself) of feelings I have never felt. I want to speak truthfully about my lived experience, because that's really all I have a right to speak truthfully about. So, in a very inelegant conclusion, I just want to say that I'm in now way discouraging people from studying abroad, in Paris or elsewhere. Wherever you go, if you take advantage of every opportunity and keep your heart and mind open, you will not regret it. But also, never try to convince yourself of something you're not. Self-awareness is not something that all people possess, and having the ability to recognize your own needs, desires, weaknesses and strengths takes practice, but in the end you become more whole each time you honestly identify a part of what makes you "you", no matter how ugly, misshapen, or disappointing it might me. 

Ok, that may have gotten too heavy and profound. Apologies. I realize that nine months abroad does not make me wise. I'm just feeling a lot of emotions right now. And I may or may not be hallucinating cheese curds. Enjoy this inspirational picture of the sun setting over the Seine, and thank you so much for reading this blog. It really was quite cathartic to write it, and helped me process my experience. Hopefully you got a little something from it too. If you're traveling to Paris soon and need suggestions, or are thinking of studying/moving here, hit me up. I'd love to talk more. Until then, bon courage.